WHEN YOUR LIFE IS CONSUMED BY A LOVED ONE WITH ADDICTION
“Incurable Hopeis a must-read. Words cannot describe how important this book is. This memoir is so honest and personal; it describes raw pain in the most vulnerable way. You can tell that it comes deep from a mother’s heart; you can feel her fight for her son in every word. This book is very needed—and it brings hope. Thank you for writing it, Lisa!”
~ Ingrid Christine Abild-Pedersen, Certified Professional Coach, Speaker, and Author of Unmasked: A Triumphant Memoir of Recovery from Childhood Trauma, Eating Disorder, and PTSD
CHAPTER 25
A MOTHER’S LOVE
Ye who suffer because ye love, love still more.
~ Victor Hugo Les MiseĢrables
Over the last decade, I’ve read everything I could get my hands on from the perspective of the addict in an attempt to understand just a morsel of what my son had to endure, but I kept searching for
the perspectives of those whose experiences most closely connected to mine. I had to know. I wanted to relate to others so I would know I wasn’t going crazy. I wanted to know the guilt and shame I was feeling wouldn’t swallow me whole but would somehow actually heal over time.
Guilt and shame are not solely laid on the back of addicts. Oh, no—these emotions get to be experienced by all involved. The guilt is often innate to your existence as a parent. I felt guilty if I was having fun, if I was eating, or if I was warm in my bed. I felt guilty if I had a glass of wine. How dare I drink the poison that is killing my son? And then the whiplash thought of: Why shouldn’t I be allowed to enjoy a glass of wine? I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I felt guilty for helping and for not helping him. I had days when I was riddled with guilt for the way I raised my son, for choices I made or didn’t make.
And then, for no particular reason, I stopped having so much guilt. I came to understand that guilt is a feeling developed out of the past. If we knew then what we know today, we would likely have done things so much differently. I was simply doing the best I could with the knowledge I had at that time and not with the knowledge I now have. This concept took a long time to sink in.